The Sixteenth

Branden's Friendly Out of Office Assistant here, at your service.

That last nature trip was a DOOZY for ol' Brando. Nature didn't beat him this time (unfortunately), so I had to hurry up and clean up some of the browser history where I was hitting the sports betting sites. Luckily, I've been running a bit even lately, so the fundage hasn't changed. That may have changed slightly this weekend when I was hoping for a triple crown winner at the Preakness, but alas. Not this year.

Maybe that chick jockey will take down the Belmont with Pants on Fire.

Did you read Branden's Seven Deadly Sins of a QSA paper? Wow! If you want a fun read, go get the Too Hot for the Journal version off of his website at http://brandenwilliams.com/media/. Jeepers, the fun stories in that one almost make up for his crazy bubble-headed dude. Oh, and he was elected to the PCI Board of Advisors recently as well! Go check it out his latest blog posts at http://blog.brandenwilliams.com/. You can subscribe to the RSS feed right there!

My Match profile has been pulling all kinds of troll action lately. I updated my profile with some embellishments, but I couldn't go too far over the top as to appear fake. Still, any measurement in a profile has to be over- or under-stated by at LEAST 35%, so I just added a few percentage points here and there to make it more like a 20% error. Thank goodness for Google Image search and photoshop. I mean, clearly there could exist a 6' 6" tanned gentleman with 10-pack abs, a 6-wheel drive car, that weighs in at 154lbs. Right?

Right?

Well, I've gotten quite a few hits. It's almost getting unusable with the amount of traffic. That does't mean I haven't found a couple of hotties to throw on the back of my 6-wheel drive motorcycle to drive around the block a few times! Well, my mom's block. Lost the apartment last month thanks to a late night bachelor party I hosted while Branden was in Australia.

I definitely won't be getting the deposit back.

Anyway... I'm saving some cash by living in Mom's basement for a few months so I can get a respectable apartment and maybe place a few bets at the Belmont. Also, I'm doing some odd jobs for extra cash, so let me know if you need your dog walked, or if you need me to stand in any lines for you. Actually, screw the dog thing. Just let me know if you have anything with low responsibility where I don't have to move that much to earn the wage.

In the mean time, if you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

"Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Fifteenth

Branden's Friendly Out of Office Assistant here, at your service.

Branden will be out of the office through next Tuesday. He just ran past me with some tent poles and these ridiculous pants that convert into shorts shouting "RIIIIIII-COOOLAAAAAA." You know, those twenty months I was gone sure were great without that wacko making me constantly question my confidence in the future of humanity.

So while Brando is getting his nature on, I'm holding down the fort. It's been a while since I've been given the responsibility, as you can tell from the gap in posts! I got in a little trouble with one of the online poker companies and had to lie low for a bit. During his transition, Brando threw me a bone and sent me to Switzerland for a while—on a cash allowance. Some weeks, I'd gamble that money away in twenty minutes, and others it would last the full hour. Ahh, to be young.

So I've been back here for a month or so, getting used to the new stuff that Brando is doing. He still has that blog, but it's moved onto his own site with that crazy bubble-headed dude. Go check it out at http://blog.brandenwilliams.com/. You can subscribe to the RSS feed right there!

I recently dusted off my Match profile and removed my love of Yo-Yos, but left the picture the same. Everyone lies on those things, starting with the picture, so I'll just have to make sure I get a little Botox before any date. That one chick I hit up before I left sent me 8,739 messages. I have to say, giving her a fake phone number was the best bet I ever made. It would not have ended well. U as in Eunice? Come on...

So on that note, time to go embellish my profile a bit.

If you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

"Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Fourteenth

Branden's Friendly Out of Office Assistant here, at your service.

Branden will be in and out of the office today and tomorrow, and will be traveling next week. I'm going to enjoy a few days off while the big boss man is out. Uh, I mean, I'm going to enjoy him out of the office so I can get some work done. Well, that didn't come out right either. Listen, let's make a deal. You don't tell him I said that, and I'll make sure your message is delivered to the top of the stack.

Pinky swear.

OK, now that we're past that, it's off to bet on the horseys! Who woulda thunk that Mine That Bird would take the Derby?!? AWESOME payout for me that definitely puts me UP overall. Can't gloat too much, I know my luck could change. Maybe I just go blow it all on online poker. I can bluff like the best of em.

Go check out Brando's Blog this week, he's put some explosive stuff up there again. Why can't people just research topics before they write? Branden doesn't know either, and he stops short of being a total jerk in his post. Go here: http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/.

If you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

"Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Baker's Dozenth

NEEEEEeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooowwwwwwww!

Branden's Friendly Out of Office Assistant here, at your service.

Branden will be out of the office today enjoying the freedom of flight. He has designed an ingenius system made of bamboo and feathers from several hundred finch (or is it finches? I NEED AN ADULT!). I've seen him giggling like a six year old that just found the candy jar that Grandma forgot to hide all week while he practices strapping the apparatus on and standing in some ridiculous pose screaming "FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF WALKING!" What a nutjob.

Anyway, while he is most likely being rushed to the hospital with a broken leg after jumping off the house with that rickety thing, I'll be answering your emails and getting them ready for Branden to answer on Monday.

OH, I forgot to tell you! I ended up betting on Kyle Busch to win, and got me some folding money! Worked out great because I'm going on a date tonight with one of the suitors on Match. Figure that I'll go for broke and take her out to Olive Garden and set her loose on the never ending pasta bowls.

I know! Classy.

While you are contemplating checking out my Match profile to be next in line for a rocking date, how about you go check out Brando's Security Convergence blog at http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/. He wants you to vote for him for some blogger award thing (http://tinyurl.com/cew7t4). Man, he's really taking this stuff too seriously.

If you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

"Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Dozenth

It's civic duty time!

Branden's Friendly Out of Office Assistant here, at your service.

Branden will be out of the office today fulfilling his civic responsibility at Jury Duty. I watched Branden fill out the response form online, and the only time I saw him laugh during the whole process was when they asked the question, "Do you want to serve on a jury?" The possible answers were Yes and No like you would expect, but if you answered Yes, you had to say why.

I've decided to give up most of my gambling addiction, and try to find a special someone instead. My profile on Match has generated some pretty interesting candidates, so wish me luck in trying to figure out what the fudge factor is on the stats. That should keep me occupied so that I don't start making side bets with other Out of Office Assistants on who will take the Shelby 427 on Sunday. Maybe I'll bet that Jimmy "I didn't cause that wreck, he checked up" Johnson will only take out his teammates this time.

While I'm internet dating and running numbers on a spreadsheet here, how about you go check out Brando's Security Convergence blog at http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/. He really went nuts this week on the post entitled "Rolling the Dice on PCI." Especially with the "half-assed job" comment.

Anyway...
He's instructed me to tell you that if you have something urgent, you should reach him on his cell phone at XXX-XXX-XXXX and he will return it as soon as his governmental overlords allow.

Are you tired of Branden saying "Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"?

The Eleventh

Ahem... (sung to the theme from Beethoven's 9th Symphony, Ode to Joy)

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wod-MudLNPA <-- if you need some music to sing along with)

Greetings fellow netizens I will be helping you today
Branden is on holiday and he will read your note, Tuesday
I will relay, your important message, trust in me I will help you
Please don't tell him I sung this out of office message to you.

Have you read Branden's blog this week he has been rather busy
He attended QSA requalification training
He will blog some more about it when he returns from his holiday
NOW go to his blog and read it if you have not been lately

http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/

Finally (not in song), as Branden always says.... "Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Tenth

Where's Brando?

Whipping through the air in a big metal tube (as opposed to the network of tubes that brought you this message)! He rang me up, Your Friendly Out of Office Assistant, thanks to the miracle of the Ma-Bell handheld reciever and let me know his schedule. He will be traveling all day today, and out of the office on PTO tomorrow. He's instructed me to tell you that if you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

You DO read Branden's Security Convergence Blog, right? If not, point your browser here: http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/. Better yet, keep up with all of his crazy antics and subscribe by putting this URL in your RSS reader: http://feeds.feedburner.com/BrandenWilliamsSecurityConvergenceBlog. While you are there, you can check out his latest webcast on Beating PCI in 2009!

Finally, as Branden always says.... "Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"