Brando Goes Out of the Office

The Sixteenth

2011-05-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

Branden's Friendly Out of Office Assistant here, at your service.

That last nature trip was a DOOZY for ol' Brando. Nature didn't beat him this time (unfortunately), so I had to hurry up and clean up some of the browser history where I was hitting the sports betting sites. Luckily, I've been running a bit even lately, so the fundage hasn't changed. That may have changed slightly this weekend when I was hoping for a triple crown winner at the Preakness, but alas. Not this year.

Maybe that chick jockey will take down the Belmont with Pants on Fire.

Did you read Branden's Seven Deadly Sins of a QSA paper? Wow! If you want a fun read, go get the Too Hot for the Journal version off of his website at http://brandenwilliams.com/media/. Jeepers, the fun stories in that one almost make up for his crazy bubble-headed dude. Oh, and he was elected to the PCI Board of Advisors recently as well! Go check it out his latest blog posts at http://blog.brandenwilliams.com/. You can subscribe to the RSS feed right there!

My Match profile has been pulling all kinds of troll action lately. I updated my profile with some embellishments, but I couldn't go too far over the top as to appear fake. Still, any measurement in a profile has to be over- or under-stated by at LEAST 35%, so I just added a few percentage points here and there to make it more like a 20% error. Thank goodness for Google Image search and photoshop. I mean, clearly there could exist a 6' 6" tanned gentleman with 10-pack abs, a 6-wheel drive car, that weighs in at 154lbs. Right?

Right?

Well, I've gotten quite a few hits. It's almost getting unusable with the amount of traffic. That does't mean I haven't found a couple of hotties to throw on the back of my 6-wheel drive motorcycle to drive around the block a few times! Well, my mom's block. Lost the apartment last month thanks to a late night bachelor party I hosted while Branden was in Australia.

I definitely won't be getting the deposit back.

Anyway... I'm saving some cash by living in Mom's basement for a few months so I can get a respectable apartment and maybe place a few bets at the Belmont. Also, I'm doing some odd jobs for extra cash, so let me know if you need your dog walked, or if you need me to stand in any lines for you. Actually, screw the dog thing. Just let me know if you have anything with low responsibility where I don't have to move that much to earn the wage.

In the mean time, if you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

"Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Fifteenth

2011-04-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

Branden's Friendly Out of Office Assistant here, at your service.

Branden will be out of the office through next Tuesday. He just ran past me with some tent poles and these ridiculous pants that convert into shorts shouting "RIIIIIII-COOOLAAAAAA." You know, those twenty months I was gone sure were great without that wacko making me constantly question my confidence in the future of humanity.

So while Brando is getting his nature on, I'm holding down the fort. It's been a while since I've been given the responsibility, as you can tell from the gap in posts! I got in a little trouble with one of the online poker companies and had to lie low for a bit. During his transition, Brando threw me a bone and sent me to Switzerland for a while—on a cash allowance. Some weeks, I'd gamble that money away in twenty minutes, and others it would last the full hour. Ahh, to be young.

So I've been back here for a month or so, getting used to the new stuff that Brando is doing. He still has that blog, but it's moved onto his own site with that crazy bubble-headed dude. Go check it out at http://blog.brandenwilliams.com/. You can subscribe to the RSS feed right there!

I recently dusted off my Match profile and removed my love of Yo-Yos, but left the picture the same. Everyone lies on those things, starting with the picture, so I'll just have to make sure I get a little Botox before any date. That one chick I hit up before I left sent me 8,739 messages. I have to say, giving her a fake phone number was the best bet I ever made. It would not have ended well. U as in Eunice? Come on...

So on that note, time to go embellish my profile a bit.

If you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

"Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Fourteenth

2009-05-14T06:10:00.000-07:00

Branden's Friendly Out of Office Assistant here, at your service.

Branden will be in and out of the office today and tomorrow, and will be traveling next week. I'm going to enjoy a few days off while the big boss man is out. Uh, I mean, I'm going to enjoy him out of the office so I can get some work done. Well, that didn't come out right either. Listen, let's make a deal. You don't tell him I said that, and I'll make sure your message is delivered to the top of the stack.

Pinky swear.

OK, now that we're past that, it's off to bet on the horseys! Who woulda thunk that Mine That Bird would take the Derby?!? AWESOME payout for me that definitely puts me UP overall. Can't gloat too much, I know my luck could change. Maybe I just go blow it all on online poker. I can bluff like the best of em.

Go check out Brando's Blog this week, he's put some explosive stuff up there again. Why can't people just research topics before they write? Branden doesn't know either, and he stops short of being a total jerk in his post. Go here: http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/.

If you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

"Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Baker's Dozenth

2009-03-06T08:27:00.000-08:00

NEEEEEeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooowwwwwwww!

Branden's Friendly Out of Office Assistant here, at your service.

Branden will be out of the office today enjoying the freedom of flight. He has designed an ingenius system made of bamboo and feathers from several hundred finch (or is it finches? I NEED AN ADULT!). I've seen him giggling like a six year old that just found the candy jar that Grandma forgot to hide all week while he practices strapping the apparatus on and standing in some ridiculous pose screaming "FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF WALKING!" What a nutjob.

Anyway, while he is most likely being rushed to the hospital with a broken leg after jumping off the house with that rickety thing, I'll be answering your emails and getting them ready for Branden to answer on Monday.

OH, I forgot to tell you! I ended up betting on Kyle Busch to win, and got me some folding money! Worked out great because I'm going on a date tonight with one of the suitors on Match. Figure that I'll go for broke and take her out to Olive Garden and set her loose on the never ending pasta bowls.

I know! Classy.

While you are contemplating checking out my Match profile to be next in line for a rocking date, how about you go check out Brando's Security Convergence blog at http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/. He wants you to vote for him for some blogger award thing (http://tinyurl.com/cew7t4). Man, he's really taking this stuff too seriously.

If you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

"Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Dozenth

2009-02-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

It's civic duty time!

Branden's Friendly Out of Office Assistant here, at your service.

Branden will be out of the office today fulfilling his civic responsibility at Jury Duty. I watched Branden fill out the response form online, and the only time I saw him laugh during the whole process was when they asked the question, "Do you want to serve on a jury?" The possible answers were Yes and No like you would expect, but if you answered Yes, you had to say why.

I've decided to give up most of my gambling addiction, and try to find a special someone instead. My profile on Match has generated some pretty interesting candidates, so wish me luck in trying to figure out what the fudge factor is on the stats. That should keep me occupied so that I don't start making side bets with other Out of Office Assistants on who will take the Shelby 427 on Sunday. Maybe I'll bet that Jimmy "I didn't cause that wreck, he checked up" Johnson will only take out his teammates this time.

While I'm internet dating and running numbers on a spreadsheet here, how about you go check out Brando's Security Convergence blog at http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/. He really went nuts this week on the post entitled "Rolling the Dice on PCI." Especially with the "half-assed job" comment.

Anyway...
He's instructed me to tell you that if you have something urgent, you should reach him on his cell phone at XXX-XXX-XXXX and he will return it as soon as his governmental overlords allow.

Are you tired of Branden saying "Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"?

The Eleventh

2009-02-16T14:44:00.000-08:00

Ahem... (sung to the theme from Beethoven's 9th Symphony, Ode to Joy)

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wod-MudLNPA <-- if you need some music to sing along with)

Greetings fellow netizens I will be helping you today
Branden is on holiday and he will read your note, Tuesday
I will relay, your important message, trust in me I will help you
Please don't tell him I sung this out of office message to you.

Have you read Branden's blog this week he has been rather busy
He attended QSA requalification training
He will blog some more about it when he returns from his holiday
NOW go to his blog and read it if you have not been lately

http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/

Finally (not in song), as Branden always says.... "Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Tenth

2009-01-23T14:44:00.000-08:00

Where's Brando?

Whipping through the air in a big metal tube (as opposed to the network of tubes that brought you this message)! He rang me up, Your Friendly Out of Office Assistant, thanks to the miracle of the Ma-Bell handheld reciever and let me know his schedule. He will be traveling all day today, and out of the office on PTO tomorrow. He's instructed me to tell you that if you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

You DO read Branden's Security Convergence Blog, right? If not, point your browser here: http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/. Better yet, keep up with all of his crazy antics and subscribe by putting this URL in your RSS reader: http://feeds.feedburner.com/BrandenWilliamsSecurityConvergenceBlog. While you are there, you can check out his latest webcast on Beating PCI in 2009!

Finally, as Branden always says.... "Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Ninth

2009-01-19T14:43:00.000-08:00

It's a one day only holiday!

Yep, the powers that be gave us a holiday today, so Branden will be out of the office. He'll be back at work on Tuesday, but anywhere from five to eight hours ahead of you if you are in the contiguous forty-eight. He'll be answering your email as soon as he can.

Did you see what that knucklehead recently said about using Botnets for profit and 2009 being the year for insider threat? If not, point your browser here: http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/. Better yet, keep up with all of his crazy antics and subscribe by putting this URL in your RSS reader: http://feeds.feedburner.com/BrandenWilliamsSecurityConvergenceBlog.

Finally, as Branden always says.... "Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Eighth

2009-01-05T14:42:00.000-08:00

Greetings!

Branden will be out of the office for the rest of the year enjoying the holidays. He will return to work on January 5, 2009. Should you need to reach him in an emergency, you can try his cell: AAA-BBB-CCCC, otherwise, he will address your note when he returns.

In the mean time, it's Branden's friendly Out of Office Assistant here to help you. I'm so glad that I get to work during the holidays! Branden is kind of a grinch when it comes to his helpers of the electronic variety. Have you seen the new international PCI Deadlines? If not, point your browser here: http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/.

Bowl season is upon us! Maybe I'll take some of my gift cards and trade them for cash. Then I can double it on a 'sure thing' game!

Oh, and as Branden always says.... "Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Seventh

2008-11-04T14:41:00.000-08:00

Greetings!

Branden will be out of the office today, no doubt gallavanting around the metroplex looking for treasure. I told him to keep an eye out for pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers, but we'll see what happens.

In the mean time, it's Branden's friendly Out of Office Assistant here to help you. Branden will be out of the office today, returning on Monday. He's instructed me to tell you that if you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ. Have you seen the new international PCI Deadlines? If not, point your browser here: http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/.

I've been pulling coins out of fountains around here, so maybe I'll be able to place a bet or two, just don't tell Branden. Cowboys to win? Not sure if I want to risk it....

Oh, and as Branden always says.... "Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Sixth

2008-10-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

Greetings fellow netizens!

Branden's friendly Out of Office Assistant here to help you. Branden will be out of the office on Monday, October 27. He'll be able to return your calls on Tuesday and Wednesday as he will be hitting the road until Thursday. He's also instructed me to tell you that if you have something urgent, you should reach out to XXX at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ. Did you see his crazy posts from the PCI Europe meeting? If not, point your browser here: http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/.

So here I am, straight laced and smiling!

Oh, and as Branden always says.... "Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Fifth

2008-10-20T14:37:00.000-07:00

Hello all you gentle emailing folk!

Branden's friendly Out of Office Assistant here to help you. Branden is traveling all day back from Europe and will respond to your inquiry during normal business hours (CDT) on Friday. He's also instructed me to tell you that if you need something urgently, give XXX a call at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ. He also wanted me to plug his blog, AGAIN, at http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/.

That's all. No poker, no roulette, no sports gambling, and no fun. Just me, here for you.

Oh, and as Branden always says.... "Thanks, and have a security conscious day!"

The Fourth

2008-10-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

Greetings!

I will be out of the office today (Friday, October 3) having conversations like the one at the bottom of this email! My friendly Out of Office Assistant has been given some unpaid leave after another unfortunate incident resulting from the Internet always being plugged into his brain, and should be here to help you later in October when I am traveling abroad. Hopefully that twelve step program is working.

If you need something urgently, give XXX a call at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ. If you are bored, why not check out what wacky links are in my most recent blog post (http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence/)? I promise you, you won't be disappointed (and you might even be motivated to buy a hammer).

Thanks, and have a security conscious day!

*****************
"November Niner One Niner Lima Alpha, traffic is a 747 at your twelve o-clock closing fast. Expidite your climb to seven thousand, five hundred and turn left to zero-niner-zero."

"Roger Approach, expidite climb to seven thousand, five hundred, turn left to zero-niner-zero, Niner Lima Alpha."

Hrm... expidited climbing turn in a light sport plane? We better start flapping our arms.
*****************

The Third

2008-08-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

Hey! I'm here, but not? What? How's that for a circular statement?

I'm going to be out of the office on international travel until August 25th, and I just don't trust my Out of Office Assistant after the recent gambling run. So, while he's technically sending you this message, I've got an eagle eye on his actions.

I'll be responding to emails & voicemails as I can. If you need something urgently, give XXX a call at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

Thanks, and have a security conscious day!

The Second

2008-08-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

Boy am I in a bind now...

Branden left again for the day and put me (Your friendly Out of Office Assistant) in charge. I've gone a little overboard on the online poker thing though, so today I'm just going to take your message diligently and make sure that Branden returns it before COB Tuesday. If you need something urgently, give XXX a call at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

Oh, and Branden bugged me to plug his blog at http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence. I don't think anyone looks at it, but there sure are some funny links there.

Maybe if things turn up and I'm feeling positive, I'll use Branden's card for some online Roulette. That can't be dangerous at all, right?

Oh yeah, and as Branden says, "Thank you, and have a security conscious day!"

The First

2008-07-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

Greetings.

Look, I really don't know what I'm supposed to do right now. Branden just looked at me, The Friendly Out of Office Assistant, and said "Hey, I'm out of the office. Hold my calls." I'm at a loss because he usually gives me more information than that. To try to do my job while he is gone, I went back looking through previous messages he has asked me to send while he is out and all I see is some garbage about a message in a bottle and links to YouTube videos.

OK, here's the plan. I just searched through Branden's calendar and it says he will be back on Wednesday, July 9. I don't see any travel plans for the remainder of the week, so he will respond to you before COB on Thursday (I will make him stick to that!). If you need something urgently, give XXX a call at YYY-YYY-YYYY, or email at ZZZ@ZZZ.ZZZ.

If you just need a Branden fix, why not stop over at his blog and comment on some posts? It is at http://blogs.verisign.com/securityconvergence. It would be nice to have him approve a legit comment instead of cursing at SPAM.

In the meantime, I'm going to spend the next several days beefing up my online poker skills. Don't tell Branden. He should have never stored his credit card in Outlook.

Oh yeah, and as Branden says, "Thank you, and have a security conscious day!"